“बड़े-बड़े देशों में छोटी-छोटी बातें होती रहती हैं” 😄

Rajma Chawal

Three messages I want to convey through this incident :

1. It’s not always about the money 😊

2. The kind of blunders that happen sometimes and what could be lying behind the scene 😄

3. How awkward, being a minority or odd-one-out in a group can sometimes make you feel 😏

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I was meeting a colleagues-group of my husband for the first time. It was going to be a professional meeting. After finishing the first half of the task these people (including my husband) were doing, it was decided to have a group meeting at the canteen. All of us reached there in smaller groups or pairs. I was accompanied by my husband. As it was somewhat lunch time, I thought everyone would be having lunch there.

We were the first to reach the faculty compartment of the canteen. Three tables were lying there. Two of them were surrounded by respective sets of chairs and so were meant to sit and eat. The third one was supposed to be used for eating while standing. When we reached, we subconsciously noticed that the sit-and-eat tables were not clean, so we went and stood close to the other one. (I guess it’s not the culture there to call the canteen boy to clean the table as I noticed). We were involved in a discussion, when the remaining people came. One by one they started taking seats. The one leading the group came at the end holding a bunch of folders containing important papers that they were going to discuss about.

When he came, he saw the food remains lying on the table and indicated saying ‘Rajma..’ at a low but audible volume. He was wondering where to sit, keep the folders/papers and discuss. Few seconds later, he found a place to sit and carried on. Everybody got indulged in the task except me, as I was an outsider and couldn’t relate much. I went into some random thinking, waiting for my husband to get free. I was definitely ‘not’ thinking about Rajma, even though I am fond of it since childhood 😄 

Jokes apart, the blunder happened when all of a sudden, the leading person got struck with the thought of ordering eatables for everyone and decided to start with ‘me’ 😱 as I was sort of a guest there. I wasn’t expecting this and hence I went blank for a while. I was trying to find out what to say, when he said something like ‘be fast please, I have to ask everyone’. 

‘Rajma’ I said. 

He said ‘Rajma. Ok, Rajma Rice’ and moved on to next person who was no one else but my husband. He said, ‘I’ll just have some tea’. I was bit surprised to see that almost all following members of the group said tea or coffee, except few of them who went for fried rice and sandwich, that too in sharing. 

I felt so embarrassed and said ‘I am feeling like I have asked for too much’. No one replied to that but some people had heard me. One gentleman smiled at me in a way to say ‘It’s ok’. Another made space for me to sit. 

Coincidentally, the first order to reach the table was ‘Rajma Rice’ 🤦 making the situation even more awkward. I couldn’t have it because others were still waiting. I couldn’t offer it to anyone because important discussion was going on and I didn’t want to disturb. So I was silently wondering what to do, while having thoughts like ‘omg, my order alone would have costed more than other people’s orders combined’ and ‘omg, how can I be so ill-mannered’ etc 🙂

The gentleman who had made space for me to sit, asked me to have the meal. I said, ‘no Sir, it’s awkward’. He said, ‘please have it or it will get cold’. I offered it to him and the person sitting next to him. They said, ‘our fried rice is coming’. I hesitated but started having it slowly. After few minutes, my husband got free and shared few bites with me. Others’ orders had shown up too. Then was that I felt bit relieved. After the leading person got free, I had a short general communication with him and thanked him later. 

I checked with my husband whether it was too weird, but seems, thankfully, he didn’t bother much. May be I would not have felt that much embarrassed if I would have met them earlier. May be it was the vibes that made me feel at comfort with these people. And ‘not’ may be but true – it’s not always about the money 😊

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Best Women’s Day Gift – Acceptance

The idea of writing an article around Women’s Day struck me yesterday. But I dropped the idea. Reason was that I could only think of all the womanly stuff that has become cliché by now. Talk about her strength (the most appreciated trait so these days), her beauty (which is just skin-deep for many even today), her modesty (well, sometimes she is bound to have that), anek ruup (different forms like mother, daughter, sister or durga, laxmi, saraswati) etc etc. everything has been talked of. So I had almost dropped the idea. Until a loved one said to me that she would be waiting for my Women’s Day special blog post. I immediately started thinking of a topic which has been least emphasized so far. So I thought of this.

Acceptance.

Lately, we have seen some people raising voice against judging women uselessly. But does ‘not judging’ someone mean ‘accepting’ her too? I think there is a thin line between the two. ‘Not judging’ nearly means ‘not bothering much’ about what she’s doing, where she’s going etc. Have we ever thought, are we also ‘accepting’ the women in our lives properly? Although this could be discussed in a broader context, at all levels, mother, daughter, sister, friend, etc. But I think there’s a special need to discuss this in the context of love and marriage. Of course, there are all kind of people everywhere. There are exceptions to every rule. And may be there do exist some people who don’t deserve to be accepted just the way they are. But then, there is a reason behind everything that happens and everyone we have in our lives. May be if we find out that, everything falls into place.

Anyway, my text is more focused on the women that are straight-away rejected for being the way they are, made fun of, or, allied but taken for granted in spite of genuine efforts. It’s true that over time women have touched success heights , have become more independent, self-sufficient etc. But then expectations from them have risen high too. Now they are expected to be all-rounders. That too, flawlessly. Those husbands who earlier used to raise questions on their household maintenance, now question their independence too. In all the chase for perfection, glamorized strength and beauty, boldness and so on, we have forgotten that everybody has flaws. We have ignored the importance of simplicity. We have left behind the beauty of soul. We are taking goodness for granted.

Yes, people with a huge heart are rare species but not extinct yet. Having such people in my own life and around, I can say so. I just wish there could be more. When I say ‘acceptance’, I don’t exactly mean don’t ask her to change but to do that in such a way that the other person doesn’t feel low at self-esteem. I mean to motivate her to do this in a patient way; to give enough time for the change.  I mean to acknowledge and appreciate her everyday efforts in such a way that she feels more enthusiastic about doing more, she doesn’t feel worked-up at least emotionally. Small acts of kindness now and then will do wonders. 

Today, if not anything else, let her know she’s beautiful in spite of her scars, wounds and insecurities. Celebrate true Women’s Day!

Happy Women’s Day 👸

शब्दों की ताक़त

शब्द। बहुत ही ताकतवर होते हैं ये ‘शब्द’। कभी किसी की ज़िंदगी बना देते, कभी किसी को मिटा देते हैं ‘शब्द’। किसी को संवेदनशील, किसी को संवेदनहीन बना देते हैं। इन शब्दों से कभी कोई रिश्ता संवर भी जाता है, कभी दो दिलों में फूट डाल देते हैं। जादू है ना, सोचा है कभी? 

आखिर क्यों कभी-कभी कोई प्यार के 2 मीठे बोल कह दे तो ज़िंदगी की सारी मुश्किलें हल हो गई लगती हैं। और कभी कोई खीझ या गुस्से में 2 शब्द कड़वे बोल जाए तो वही ज़िंदगी बोझ-सी लगने लगती है। यही शब्द ज़रूरत से ज़्यादा मीठे हो जाएं तो ‘चापलूसी’ बन जाते हैं। और ज़रूरत से ज़्यादा कठोर हो जाएं तो ‘खड़ूसपन’।

कुछ लोग महज़ शब्दों के उपयोग की कला सीख कर कामयाब हो जाते हैं। और कामयाब हो कर भी फ़िर प्रेरणादायी शब्दों का प्रयोग कर के बाकी लोगों को प्रोत्साहित करते हैं। जो लोग मूक बधिर होते हैं, शब्दों का उच्चारण नहीं कर सकते, वो इशारों या लिखित में वार्तालाप करते हैं। और शब्दों का अभाव, कभी लोगों में दूरियां बढ़ा देता है, कभी यही शांति समझदारी की निशानी होती है। कभी किसी की कही कोई बात इंसान के साथ-साथ चलती है, मरते दम तक दिलोदिमाग से नहीं निकलती। कभी कोई बात ऐसे ज़ेहन से निकल जाती है जैसे कभी सुनी/पढ़ी ही ना हो।

किसी के पास शब्दों का भंडार हो तो किताबें तक लिख डालता है। वहीं कभी कोई अपनी भावनाओं की व्याख्या करने को तरस जाता है – या तो मौका नहीं पाता है या योग्य शब्द नहीं ढूंढ पाता है। यही शब्द स्कूल-कॉलेज या अन्य परीक्षाओं में भी कितना कमाल दिखाते हैं। कोई पन्ने पर पन्ने भर आता है, कोई बेचारा नाम पते के अलावा कुछ सोच ही नहीं पाता। उसी के अनुसार परिणाम आता है। “काला अक्षर भैंस बराबर”, “ढाई आखर प्रेम का” सरीखे मुहावरे ले लीजिये, “जो बीत गई सो बात गई” सरीखी कविता या फ़िर भिन्न-भिन्न प्रकार के गीत-गाने, सब शब्दों से पिरोई गईं मालाएं हैं। इसीलिए कभी मनोरंजन का साधन, कभी किसी का कर्तव्य बन जाते हैं चंद शब्द। 

ये सब जानते हुए भी हम क्यों नहीं हमेशा शब्दों का चयन कुशलता से कर पाते हैं? कभी-कभी यही शब्द गलतफहमियां क्यों बन जाते हैं। क्योंकि मनुष्य स्वभाव, अस्थिर मन। कहते हैं तीर की तरह जो शब्द एक बार मुँह से निकलें वह वापस तरकश में डाले नहीं जा सकते। सही बात है, पर कभी-कभी कुछ घाव जो शब्दों के प्रहार से मिले होते हैं, उन पर दूसरे शब्दों का मलहम ज़रूर लगाया जा सकता है। हां, उस वक़्त हमें लगता है ये संभव नहीं लेकिन क्या पता जिसे हमारे शब्दों ने ज़ख़्मी किया है, वो उस मलहम का इंतज़ार ही कर रहा हो। ऐसा नहीं तो ना सही, कम-से-कम हमें तसल्ली रहेगी कि हम ने प्रयास किया। ग्लानि भाव से मुक्ति मिलेगी।

तो क्यों ना आज से एक नई शुरुआत की जाए। जब भी संभव हो, शब्दों का चयन ज़्यादा सावधानी से किया जाए। या किसी को हाल ही में जो शब्दों का घाव हम जाने-अंजाने दे बैठे हैं, उस पर मलहम लगाया जाए। या फिर बस यूंही, कुछ हल्के-फुल्के शब्दों का किसी चुटकुले में प्रयोग कर के किसी अपने को हंसाया जाए। किसी हिम्मत हार रहे व्यक्ति को प्रोत्साहित किया जाए या फ़िर.. सब भूल कर बस अपने लिए ही चंद शब्द कागज़ पर उकेरें जाएं। यक़ीन मानिए, आप को स्वयं ही आनंद की अनुभूति होगी। 😊

At A Crossroads In Life

“How are the preparations going on at your level, beta?” Aaina’s mother asked her. Aaina was trying to concentrate on the newest novel of her favourite author, which she held in hands while sitting on bed in blanket, but couldn’t. Her mother had understood this, while entering the room itself. “Going well, Ma” Aaina replied, trying to hide the storm of thoughts that was taking place inside her. But a mother is mother, she just knows her kids so well, often they can’t hide. “Doesn’t seem so” sitting beside Aaina, she said. “Just little nervous and excited at the same time. Don’t worry, please take rest. You must be tired” gently putting the book aside, keeping her hands on her mother’s, said Aaina. “Ok, if you say. But if there’s anything bothering you at any stage, just let me know, don’t hide it, ok?” said her mother. Then she planted a kiss on Aaina’s forehead, switched off the side table lamp and left. 

Aaina got drowned in the pool of her thoughts again and gradually fell asleep. Next morning, after waking up and going through all her daily morning activities, when Aaina sat at the table for breakfast, she looked lost. Her mother had sensed this but didn’t say anything. What she did was to plan the breakfast in such a way that after Aaina’s father and brother left for their respective workplaces, it was just both of them sitting besides each other. So, she just took a place next to Aaina and gently moved fingers through her hair. 

“What’s the matter, beta? Tell me now” she said. 

Aaina sighed, made an eye contact with her mom and said “Ma, I’m stuck in a dilemma” 

“Ok and what is it about?” her mother asked.

“Ma, remember that interview I had attended last month? I have cleared it. I just got a call from there yesterday” said Aaina

“Wow, this is a good news. I knew you will make it through. But why are you telling me this way? Are you not happy about it?”

“Actually the problem is that the date of joining is coinciding with my engagement. Plus if I join this organization, I will have to move to other city. I’m afraid Hriten will never agree to move with me post-marriage. He would prefer to continue living in this city itself. I really don’t know what to do. I am so very confused” 

“Oh, is it? Yeah, this might be a problem. But don’t worry, we will talk to your father and sort it out. Now have your breakfast and get back to your routine” 

Aaina did as instructed. Later that day, all of them sat together at the dinner table. Aaina and her mother shared the problem with Aaina’s father and brother.

Aaina said to the rest of them “I thought a lot about it but really can’t come to a conclusion. I don’t know what to do. Please help me, you all.” 

Everybody looked at her father, waiting for him to say something as everyone else was equally confused but knew he would be having a solution.

He thought for a couple of minutes, took a deep breath and said “Beta, I think everyone comes at such crossroads in life, at least once. Whatever decision we take, we should have faith – in the decision, in ourselves as well as in the Almighty. Now if we take a closer look at the situation, the choice is between career and family. So, I would like to assure you that your family is always in your support. We understand that it’s more important for you to be independent than give it up for your family. I know we have made some expenditure for the event already and in worst case, we will have to face a lot in society if we break the alliance. Don’t worry, all of us will face it together but YOU, my child, don’t give up!”

Now all eyes there were set on Aaina’s face, waiting to see if she agrees or not. She looked at everyone, one-by-one and bent her head downwards. 

Her brother took the turn now “Di, being younger to you, it has always been me who sought advice from you. Today, I would like to give you one. Please do as Papa says. He’s right. We are with you” Their mother nodded in agreement.

Aaina finally felt relieved. “If I say, I am blessed to have been born in this family, I would be underrating the bliss. Thank you all. Yes, we will face it together. And I promise, I will never let you down” Thus, one more freebird set her wings broad open and started her journey to soar higher, with the belief – even sky is not the limit. 

You might be wondering what happened to the would-be-groom party. Well, of course, they couldn’t have agreed to move to another city and hence had to give in to the decision. But surprisingly, instead of blame game and bad-mouthing about this family, they welcomed the decision with open heart and appreciation. They were no less strong souls and also decided to face it all together.

This story is partially fictional. That is, not exactly based on a true incident but inspired from one. But I wish we had more people like them in our society. I don’t mean to say more marriages break, but I mean more parents understand how important it is to let their children stand on own feet first, before settling into marriage. I have many such parents in my circle, including my own. What about you?

A Thank You Letter to Jethani

Catchy title? I mean it though. With trending #sharetheload revolution, we have come across many wives acknowledging their husband’s efforts and goodness, we have seen rigid husbands undergoing changes, we have seen husbands trying. You must have read some thank you notes/letters to mother-in-laws too. Yes, every individual deserves appreciation for the goodness within. Of course, I am grateful to my husband and mother-in-law too, but this letter is addressed to my Jethani on the occasion of her first birthday after my marriage.

So here I go..

Dear Bhabhi, 

First of all, thank for allowing me to choose to call you bhabhi or didi. I wonder if it matters, but the point is that you left it upto me.

When we had first met for matrimony purpose with (now) my husband, I had asked about your expectations from future Devrani, you had said you didn’t have any. Thank you for later sticking to it and not forcing anything on me as a compulsion.

Thank you for standing by in my fight for freedom from few things which you didn’t mind surviving through before I came. I don’t think I need to specify. With a little pressure on your intelligent mind, you will know 😬 

Thank you for often being so patient with my mistakes and shortcomings, even though you say you are not that patient actually. Believe me, I have tried to work on them and have many times succeeded too. Sometimes I feel like you have set high standards for me as a DIL, but then I keep myself at your place and try to understand. 

People say, women don’t get food in bed at their in-laws’ place (unless may be if you are an expecting mom or injured) but you have done that more than once out of affection. Not to forget your tips and guidance in cooking often. At the same time, you avoid giving me unasked advice. Sometimes when you feel I really need one, you give and that helps.  Yes, you have sometimes criticized me also but at least that has been upfront, not in taunts or creating a scene. So I rather choose to take it for my own betterment. It might hurt for a while but I know it’s intended as a well-wisher, not my enemy. I know you find me immature as per my age as you had even said once, but for that, I would like to draw your attention to those things in which I am far better than many others in our society these days. Again, a little pressure on your genius head and you’ll know. 

The way you maintain the balance between your rights and duties is something worth learning. Thank you for that motherly care sometimes and especially whenever you say something adding ‘bachcha’ to it (like, ‘aise nahi, aise karo bachcha’), I feel closer to you. Your sense of observation is so praiseworthy.. sometimes I can’t recognize things that belong to me but you do.

Every time your naughty son unknowingly misbehaves with me, you scold him to correct. Sometimes it feels bad that he is getting punished because of me but the point is that you care. Sometimes he has had a very kind gesture to me and I want to thank you for that. I know something would have felt missing if I don’t mention about him in this post.

Bhaiya (your husband) has been very kind too, but I wonder if credit for that also goes to you. LOL 

Approaching the completion of one year of my entrance in this family, I hope to have a bond with you that only gets deeper day-by-day. 

No one is perfect as you also believe but we can always keep trying to become a better version of ourselves. After all, as your son also keeps reciting, koshish karne waalon ki haar nahi hoti.

Love and respect, 

Neha